Hate, Anger and Pumpkin spice

            Adam convulsed and threw himself around the room. He clenched his chest and his eyes burned red. Anger and rage surged through his blood harder than ever. His veins bulged out on his arms and all of his muscles tightened and shook. Furniture had been knocked over, dishes smashed and the television was broken. All of the destruction started in the kitchen, led through the house and ended at Adam’s feet as he shook and writhed.

            It was a cold and dark night with only a sliver of moon visible in the sky.

Adam was walking home from work. It was almost Halloween and the neighborhood was all decorated with jack-o-lanterns, skeletons and orange and black colors. Adam gritted his teeth and muttered to himself as he walked. His work was stressful, he hated his boss and all of this incessant cheerfulness over a holiday made him angry. The sound of children playing and laughing echoed down the street from one of the expensive houses on the street. Adam was in such a foul mood that the sound of laughter, especially a child’s laughter made him even more angry. He couldn’t get a break in his life and so the rest of the world must suffer for it.

            Adam wasn’t normally an angry or hateful person but during the last month his personal and professional life had been force-feeding him a steady diet of shit every single day. A man can only consume so much metaphorical fecal matter before it starts to affect his mental and emotional state.

            Soon he was home and immediately tried to dive into distractions. Life was too much to deal with and he needed an escape. He turned on the TV and poured a beer. He muttered to himself, repeating words he heard from his boss and reliving moments from something that happened a week ago. Everything seemed to be happening at once, Adam didn’t have time to process it all. Every bad day within the last few weeks kept showing up in his thoughts uninvited, like they were following him, or haunting him.

            Adam spent the night drinking and watching his favorite shows. None of it helped but it kept him just distracted enough to get through the night. He was at a breaking point and was in too deep to rationally figure out how to handle it. The night went on and Adam was getting hungry. He was so distracted he forgot to eat. It was eleven at night and instead of going to bed, he went into the kitchen to fix a sandwich.

            He was mad at himself for waiting for so long to eat. Eating late meant going to bed late, not getting enough sleep, which meant work would seem harder. Work being harder caused more stress. Stress can cause weight gain from excess eating and lack of exercise. Eating at eleven at night can also cause unwanted weight gain. Adam was trying to watch his weight. Lack of sleep, harder work, weight gain, STRESS!

            Adam’s blood pressure went up as he ate his sandwich and stared intensely at the wall as his mind brought him through a tour of ever worse case scenario for the future and every bad day from the past. The TV was still on, the voices from the television blended with a high pitch whistling noise that rang out in Adam’s ears. Then he heard something happened. A soft tune played on the TV. A sweet little melody drifted through the air and went right into Adam’s ears.

            It was an old classic song, Adam remembered listening to it with his grandparents. It was a quiet kind of song and went well with the autumn air. Thoughts of his childhood flooded into his mind. Adam was a small child sitting on the floor of his grandparent’s living room. They played this old nostalgic song on their record player. the music played softly as the record crackled and popped like a wood fire. His grandfather said “This goes so well with the autumn air doesn’t it? so could outside but this song warms you right up” He would say to his wife, then smile warmly at little Adam. Adam’s grandfather had a smile so warm and cheerful that it could melt the coldest heart.

            Adam’s grandfather was a little overweight, he didn’t have much money and their car wasn’t very reliable, but he had everything he could ever want. He was married to the love of his life, he had a warm house, an adorable grandchild and a record player that could play all of his favorite old songs.

            Adam snapped back into reality. The song had brought him to another place and another time. a time when his grandfather was still around and a time before pain. Tears welled up in Adam’s eyes. These memories made him smile but then hit him like a train. His anger and hatred were still there. Stress and anxiety don’t go away very easily and they don’t like being ignored. His mind became a war zone. As he struggled to find peace and hold onto his cherished memories but he couldn’t let go of his anger. He was wronged so many times and it felt like that if he let his anger go than all the bad stuff that happened was meaningless. “Its not fair how I was treated! Why is all of this happening at once? Why doesn’t anyone care?!” Adam shouted as he clutched each side of his head. then he heard his inner voice talking to him. the little remaining sanity he had. “Holding onto anger will not help you. It will not stop the pain but only make it worse. The ones responsible will not be punished because you hold onto grudges and anger from the past. Any wrongdoings they do are for them to worry about. You need to take care of yourself. You need to keep track of your own sanity” said the voice, which was just Adam rationalizing with himself.

            Then the anger struck back, then the rational voice piped up. Adam’s head began to spin. He reached for the counter and knocked his beer and plate onto the floor. He stumbled through the kitchen as the voices grew louder. The veins on his neck bulged and his eyes went blood shot red. He stumbled into a stand were we kept his coffee maker and supplies. He knocked it over, breaking the coffee machine and spilling coffee and sugar everywhere. His chest hurt and his head hurt, he felt dizzy and his veins were on fire. He stumbled through the living room and knocked over the TV and broke picture frames on the walls. He threw himself around the room as rage filled his mind. He tried to fight it every second but it had taken such a strong hold of him and wouldn’t let go. “I just want to be Happy again!” he screamed inside his head. “I must make them pay!” Growled another voice in his head.

            He leaned against the couch to rest but the pain struck up again and in a fit of rage he flipped the couch and then spun around and punched a hole in his wall. Adam began choking and gagging. He hunched over and began to vomit. Bile the color of thick black tar was expelled from his mouth and splashed across the floor of his living room.

            Then everything went black. Adam woke up the next day. Sun was shining on his face he woke up and smiled. This was something he had not done in a very long time. He felt an inner peace. When everything came to a breaking point, he won out in the end.

            He was late for work, there was black vomit on his carpet and his house was a wreck. These things didn’t bother him. He called his boss to say he would be late and got ready for work. Before he left he went into his bedroom and rustled through some boxes to find something then ran out the door, locked it and made his way to work.

That day felt different than all the ones before it. The air had that crisp fall feeling, the trees had full red, orange and yellow autumn colors and he knew that he would be able to get a pumpkin spice latte from the local coffee shop down the road. And it was that day he walked to work with a smile on his face. A smile, a pair of headphones, an old portable CD player and a very old song playing on repeat.