Anger

Anger throbs in my head. It has its own heartbeat. On a daily basis I keep it at bay. Like a caged animal locked away, I keep it from the world. We live in a civilized world. There is no need for thoughts of violence. Yet, here I am. A ‘normal’ guy, polite and kind hearted, some would say even happy. I hold onto this anger. It is not polite to yell and against the law to kill, but what should I do? Every fiber in my being urges me to fight, urges me to kill. The world is a harsh place and those who say otherwise are lying to themselves.

I try everything. I let it go, I hold back, I breath deeply, calm myself, see things from the other persons point of view and I bite my tongue. I have been biting my tongue so much that its starting to bleed. Idiots, lowbrow knuckle draggers feel the same anger, how do they survive? Lord knows they don’t have self-control. The eleven kids and daily addictions prove that. Either they are too stupid to realize how fucked up the world is, or having sex with everything in sight and drinking every night keeps them too preoccupied to be angry. Then again, I see plenty of angry people, some drink, some don’t, some have kids, and some don’t.

I wonder what is the source of my anger and why is it so difficult to control? I pray for peace, I don’t want to be angry, but the anger is there. Like a voice that keeps telling me to lose control. Oh how good it would feel. This anger voice is not alone. How many of our bad traits have its own voice. Too much eating, sex or alcohol, gambling and anger to name a few. How seductive the voice “Go for it, its what you want”. A religious person might say it’s the devil, I don’t believe this. how easy it would be to say it’s the devil and he is tempting you. No, this voice is you. It’s the deep part of your brain that doesn’t reason, it wants what it wants. It’s the animal in you that has no regard for anything else. This isn’t evil, its nature. So when you hear the voice, the urge to let go, its just your own voice, echoing what you really want. Which means I am fighting myself. I don’t know how much will power I have left sometimes. The urge is always there, its constant.

In Christian religion there are seven deadly sins. Lust, Greed, Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Wrath. Everyone has a little of each seven. How often have you been slothful? Not wanting to get out of bed, or off the couch. Moving is a pain, make someone else do it. Or envious? Smith from work has the latest Iphone and you are stuck with a little cheap phone that barely gets service. His has games and apps, yours has an address book and maybe a clock. I feel every single sin a little of each every so often. Humans embrace sin and so they feel the burden of it. I used the think my sin was Lust. How lonely I was and sex was all I could think about. That was just hormones. My whole life, the real sin for me was Wrath. I remember being five and having indescribable anger. I didn’t know why I felt it or how to handle it. I just remember from an early age. I wanted to hurt things. I wanted others to hurt as much as I did.

I’ve found some resemblance of peace since then, I can control myself and am in constant control. But the anger is there. Its my oldest friend. Crohn’s disease and anger, my two buddies. They both sit and wait for me to slip up. Then they strike. Every day is a new challenge, every day I hear the whispers from angers cage. “let me out, I can help you” says the seductive voice, and maybe some day, I will.