Santa vs Nathan round 2

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa clause did lurk, he was trying to stay hidden from Nathan, the Jerk.

            Nathan and Santa clause had a long and bitter feud and every year Santa would have to sneak into Nathan’s house to leave coal for Nathan and a gift for Nathan’s wife, who wasn’t a jerk, to Santa anyway.

            It was almost midnight and Nathan was awake sharpening a hatchet. While everyone else in the house slept, Nathan sat silently in a high-back chair next to a plate of milk and cookies. As the clock struck midnight a rustle on the roof was heard, or a clatter, if you prefer. Up on the roof arose such a clatter while Nathan sat in his chair, mad as a hatter.

           

            Nathan controlled his breath as he heard footsteps in the living room, slowly walking toward the Christmas tree. “Surprise fat guy!” Shouted Nathan as he drove his hatchet down onto the intruder. The hatchet sunk into the chest of the intruder, who wasn’t Santa clause, but an actual intruder who broke in through the window. The burglar gurgled blood as he breathed out his last words “Tell my kids, I never loved them” He muttered as he died in Nathan’s arms. Nathan wiped away one single tear from the corner of his eye and gently lowered the crook onto the floor, then opened his half broken window and heaved the dead body from his first floor window into the flower bed below. “I’ll get to that later” Nathan muttered. Then he heard more footsteps but this time they were right behind him. Nathan turned to see a red gloved hand fly right for Nathan’s face. Nathan took a sucker punch to the nose and stumbled back. He was slightly stunned from the punch and when he looked up, Santa was gone and the presents were under the tree. Also the cookies were eaten, the milk was gone and Nathan’s stocking was full of dog poop. Nathan cursed under his breath and dashed for the window.

            He scaled the side of his own house till he reached the roof and saw Santa ready to take off on his sleigh. Nathan charged at the reindeer like a madman, which frightened the poor animals. The Reindeer couldn’t talk but they could fly, and all began to run and take off into flight without Santa giving the word to go. The sleigh was jerked forward and Santa was almost thrown off the roof. The Sleigh bells jingled and the reindeer raced into the night. Santa was glad that he didn’t have to visit that house for another year.

            Just as Santa’s sleigh was about to go into warp speed, or whatever magic his sled had, Nathan popped up from the under carriage and jumped onto the seat next to Santa. Santa’s arm went up out of a defensive reflex and it pulled on the reins making the reindeer veer off course. The sleigh began to pick up speed as it flew gradually more out of control. The bottom of the sleigh even took out the top of someone’s chimney. So you KNOW it was craaazy.

            Nathan swung his hatchet like a maniac trying to finally end the immortal fat man. Santa punched Nathan in the stomach and tried to dump the hatch man over the side of the sleigh. Nathan doubled over in pain but managed to grab Santa’s jacket. The two men rolled out of the sleigh. If it wasn’t for the low hanging jingle bells Santa would have fallen to his death. Snow pelted Santa’s face as he hung onto a green rope covered in golden bells. Nathan the madman clung to Santa’s black as coal boot with one hand and swung his hatchet with the other. Nathan managed to land a hit with the hatchet, chopping santa in the lower back. Santa cried out in pain and dropped from the sleigh. The two men fell. Nathan was surrounded by blizzard winds and winter snow. It had had struck midnight only a few minutes ago and Nathan and Santa were already about to die.

            Nathan woke up in the snow in the middle of nowhere with a note pinned to his chest. “You are lucky my reindeer saved you. They feel bad for you. This saint, isn’t as easy to forgive. Try again next year. Clause OUT!” The note was written in red ink with festive Christmas lettering. Nathan lost his hatchet and would have to spend the night walking home. For Nathan a shot at the fat man was worth almost dying from a fall, freezing to death and walking home in the snow all night.

            Merry Christmas everyone and remember, if you hear rustling on the roof or in your living room, it might be burglars.

Joseph Stephens and the best Christmas ever part 2

It was the night of Christmas Eve and in four short hours it would be midnight, meaning Christmas. Joseph Stephens and Jaye Williams were both still seeing autumn colors instead of normal leafless trees and on top of that it had not snowed and it didn’t look like it would snow any time soon. “We need some snow and a way to stop seeing autumn, at least for a day” Joseph said. They both loved autumn but Christmas wouldn’t be the same without snow and proper Christmas colors. “Hey Winter! Ya big jerk, get down here!” Jaye yelled. Joseph’s eyes widened and he shook his head frantically at Jaye.

            A freezing cold wind blew through the town and Old man winter stood before the two friends. Winter was an older looking man with whitish blue skin, a great white beard, he was thin and was the height of an average human male. From the moment he appeared Winter had his teeth clenched and was glaring at Jaye. “Hello winter, my friend was just trying to get your attention. You see he actually wanted to apologize.” Said Joseph. “I did?” Asked Jaye. Then he added “Oh, right! Yes I did. Look winter, I am sorry for bashing your head with a hammer. It was Joseph’s fault for leaving the hammer out anyway. I am still sorry for whacking you with it” Jaye said. Winter’s face relaxed a little but he still looked annoyed. “apology accepted” Winter muttered angrily.

            “So does this mean you will make it snow for Christmas day?” Asked Joseph. “And also help cure us and let us see winter scenery again? We drank some autumn magic creamer and it makes us only see autumn stuff” Added Jaye. Old man Winter winced as the two friends spoke. It was as if their voices caused him actual physical pain. “No, and no. I accept your apology but I still hate both of you, so no snow on Christmas. Also autumn magic is too different from winter magic for me to help you, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. The creamer should be out of your system by Christmas morning” Winter explained.

            “Do different seasons really have such diverse magic?” Asked Jaye. “Yeah, every season has their own type of magic, which is why we can hurt each other” Winter replied. “Look I gotta go, your faces and voices are annoying me and I gotta get something to drink. This was a bad year to quit drinking” Winter added. Then Jaye got an idea. “Wait! Joseph has some private stock rum in his kitchen, if you make it snow for tonight and all through Christmas then we will give you the rum” Jaye offered. Winter seemed intrigued but looked at Joseph to see if this was true. Joseph sighed and then nodded. He didn’t want to give up his finest rum but if it meant snow on Christmas then he would do it. The lack of snow on Christmas didn’t just effect Joseph’s house, it affected the whole town. One bottle of rum was a fair trade for a wintry Christmas for the whole town.

            Jaye ran off like an excited puppy, leaving Joseph and Winter standing in the front yard alone. “So how’s your head feeling?” Joseph asked, trying to sound concerned. Winter just growled. Jaye was gone for three minutes exactly, but those minutes felt like an eternity as Winter and Joseph stood in uncomfortable silence. Jaye returned with a glass bottle of eggnog. “I forgot that I mixed all of his rum into this eggnog earlier today. Its still pretty strong. Is that ok?” Jaye asked. “So Strong!” Added Joseph. Winter looked annoyed but accepted. “yeah that’s ok. Eggnog is pretty festive” Winter took a swig from the bottle the moment Jaye put it in his hands.

            Winter drank down several gulps. Winter drank from the bottle like it was life saving medicine. Winter lowered the bottle from his mouth and sighed happily. then a weird look crossed his face. “What was in that eggnog? I feel sick” Winter said as he started to tremble on his feet. Winter lurched over and began throwing up icy slush mixed with eggnog. “That was eggnog laced with magic pumpkin creamer! Ha Autumn Magic!” Jaye yelled then kicked Winter in the face. Winter stumbled backward “you! I will…” Winter started to say as his rage overflowed. Jaye interrupted him with another kick. “how does Betrayal taste, jerk?” Jaye shouted. Joseph Stephens was nervous that this wouldn’t end well. but then again Winter was a jerk and he wasn’t going to bring snow to Christmas anyway. Joseph Stephens picked up a shovel and whacked Winter with it “Betrayal x2!” Joseph shouted. Jaye then pulled a claw hammer from his back pocket. “Cllaaaaww Hammah!!” Jaye shouted into the air and then hit winter again. As the two friends beat on Winter the thought came to Joseph. “If Winter wasn’t an immortal and magical being this would be incredibly illegal and messed up.

            The two friends pummeled Winter until finally Winter used his weakened magic to make icy winds blow the two men backward. “Fine! I will return the snow! But I warn you, I am not one to mess wi…” Winter warned but was interrupted when Jaye shouted “Claaaw Haaammmar!” And then threw his claw hammer at winter, striking the Wintery deity in the face. Winter let out a loud roar that sounded like hurricane winds blowing through a town. Then Winter vanished in a buff of snow and ice. “Yeah! And tell Santa Clause that I still have a score to settle with him!” Jaye shouted.

            True to his spiteful words, Winter made it snow. Snow began to fall gently over the town. The two friends still saw autumn trees, pumpkins and fall decorations, but now there was snow over everything. It was a weird and magical sight. Joseph Stephens and Jaye Williams went inside and decided to rest. They hoped that in the morning they would see Christmas the way it was meant to be seen. Jaye slept on the couch, wrapped in various towels, old blankets and couch pillows, Joseph slept in his bed.

            That morning the two woke up and ran to the window. The landscape was beautiful. Icy white snow sat undisturbed across the land, pine trees were decorated with Christmas lights and the fall colors had disappeared. Red, green, white and blue colors dotted the landscape and both friends agreed that this was the one day of the year it was nice to not see fall colors.

            The day moved on, Joseph and Jaye had breakfast then went to their families houses, exchanged gifts, saw old friends and had hot chocolate. Jaye had an unpleasant surprise when he found that the bad luck fish was sitting in a fish bowl in his parent’s living room. The bad luck fish was a talking fish that brought misfortune to all as long as they were around him. Jaye kept his visit short and on his way out from his families house he threw the bad luck fish and his fish bowl out in the river. Jaye then slipped on ice and busted his lip.

            Joseph ran into a yeti named Horrus and met Horrus’ children, all twenty-seven of them. Joseph saw his family, had dinner, played in the snow, and was thrown into a snow bank by one of Horrus’ children. Good times were had by all.

            Joseph returned home tired but happy. As he approached his house he saw Jaye walking toward him over the horizon. Jaye looked injured, tired and happy. The two friends went into the house. Joseph lit a fire in his fireplace. Jaye made some eggnog with what eggnog they had remaining. “Can I use that private stock rum of yours?” Jaye called from the Kitchen. “Yes! That would be great. No pumpkin creamer in mine please” Joseph called back. The two began to laugh.

            The two friends sat in front of a crackling fire and sipped on their very alcoholic eggnog. “So strong!” Joseph said as he took a sip. Jaye laughed “well we had more rum than we had eggnog” He replied. “Nah, its ok. I like it.” Joseph said. Jaye smiled as if remembering something “Did I ever tell you the time I was in college and we were all about to leave for the holiday break. I went to the cafeteria to get some food on the last day and the lady serving the food goes ‘I can’t wait to get home and get some bourbon and eggnog’. I didn’t even know her or say anything, she just said it out loud” Jaye said. “Weird” Joseph replied. “Yeah, it was” Jaye said. The two friends sighed.

            That year might not have been perfect and Christmas eve and Christmas day wasn’t perfect, but despite the ups and downs of the season, Joseph Stephens and Jaye Williams thought it was certainly the best Christmas Ever.

Showdown with Santa

            On a cold winter night, the night of Christmas eve, a figure could be seen riding across the sky. Santa clause and his reindeer sped through the air at breakneck speeds, traveling the world in one night all thanks to Christmas magic and a sugar high from cookies and candy canes.

            This Christmas eve night was different than most, as Santa would be visiting the house of the dreaded, Nathan Wilson. A character so dastardly he made the reindeer uneasy. Since Nathan was married, Santa had to visit his house for the first time in twenty years to bring Nathan’s wife Ashley a gift for Christmas. Santa was nervous though and decided to tread lightly. He could recall the incident so many years ago as clearly as if it were yesterday.

            Twenty years ago santa arrived to the Wilson house. Silently he crept, stopping only to snack on some cookies. Then suddenly a little four-year-old boy appeared from the darkness. “Hello, little boy” Santa said, with a warm smile. The small child was cute enough, but hardly innocent. Because just as santa went to pat the boys head, the little four year old triggered some kind of booby trap, making a rope wrap around santas leg and fling him into the air. He hit the ceiling then dropped back down, hanging from his foot like a giant red piñata. The little boy then beat santa with a rubber snake until the little devil got tired and fell asleep. Santa eventually freed himself and vowed to never return.

            Year after year he watched Nathan grow, hoping for some kind of change in behavior, something to put the child back on the nice list. But every year, was the same. Tormenting his poor cousin Stephen. Beating on his innocent siblings and even going so far as to burn down an orphanage.

            So the night had arrived and Santa crept into the House of Nathan and Ashley. Holding a gift in one hand and Candy cane fighting staff in the other. Then Nathan stepped out of the shadows the devils smirk across his face. “Hello Santa, is that for me?” He asked. Santa noticed Nathan was carrying an axe and readied himself for battle. “No, the only thing you get is a one way ticket to hell!” Shouted the emotionally scarred Santa as he lunged at Nathan with his fighting cane. “Bring it on, Fatman!” yelled Nathan as he chopped down with his axe, striking the cane, but to his surprise it was made of steel, not candy. “Ha, you will not get the drop on me kid” Santa said then struck Nathan’s leg with the cane, sending the menacing figure to the ground. “You old fool, you can’t expect to win!” Nathan said as he jumped up and struck santa with the axe.

            Santa stumbled backward, out of breath and slightly wounded. Nathan approached, his axe ready to strike again, when suddenly Ashley bust into the room. “Nathan, NO! we talked about this” She said angrily. Nathan’s eyes went wide. “B-but” He began to say, but then Santa took his chance to strike and delivered a sucker punch right to Nathan’s face. Nathan growled and stumbled backward holding his face, then the fat man made his escape, leaving the gift behind, tucked away under the tree.

            Up the chimney and to his sleigh he went. He flew off with his reindeer, going half way around the world before stopping to finish his Christmas deliveries.

So another year past and all the good little girls and boys got their gifts, meanwhile Nathan plots his revenge. So until next year, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

(Disclaimer: Any characters used in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real life people either alive or dead is merely coincidental)