Standing against the rain

            I stand in the pouring rain, staring ahead, stern faced and shoulders tensed. I leave my hands relaxed to give the impression that I am just as relaxed. I put little effort into my relaxed disguise as my eyes cut holes in anything I look at.

           

            The world is frequently chaotic and on fire, but today the world is pouring rain and the cobblestone beneath my feet falls away all around me. I see windows with warm yellow light emitting from them, inside the windows people are laughing, smiling and having conversations while other windows have people with calm faces and relaxed shoulders. No one can see me from their windows and no one bothers to look out into the rain.

            In my mind I am brandishing a crowbar and have broken those smug windows with their warm glow pouring out of them. I have also broken the smiling faces of the ones sitting comfortably inside. Back in reality I do nothing but stare while life pushes on and the people in the windows live their lives, never noticing my existence or caring to see it.

            Some people stand alone and invisible and those people have to stand the strongest. Occasionally a traveler might see me and help prop me up before walking off into the night but ultimately we are alone in this world.

            There are times I feel guilty for even thinking about how lonely I am or how bad it feels to struggle with little or no support. The reality is that all humans are alone and the human race is a race of insecure and highly intelligent animals who shriek into the darkness and pretend everything is fine. There are varying degrees of shrieking in the darkness but the Grim Reaper comes for us all sooner or later and when shadow of death looms over you, that is when you will truly find out that money, lovers and “yes men” cannot save you.

             The only certainty in life is death and taxes but death can’t be avoided.

I do not fear death, I have experienced pain in life and unless I am cast into the fiery pits of hell, I know death couldn’t be any worse than life. I will embrace a new life, an afterlife or the sweet release of oblivion. If there is no heaven then I will not have a consciousness to be bothered by it. The lights go out, the curtain falls and that’s all she wrote.

            I do like to think there is more than this life but I am not in a hurry to find out. I would like to experience the bliss of heaven but living on earth the way I have, it is easier to believe in a hell than believe in a heaven. Still all the same, I believe in heaven despite everything.

            So I endure the rain and the darkness, I take comfort in the little things and I curb my rage against others, even those who capitalize on the misfortune of others. Any time my mind decides that the only solution is violence, that is when I do nothing at all. I know that any action I took at that point would lead to something I might regret, or worse, something I would enjoy too much.

Christmas Landscape

It was three weeks before Christmas and I was in bed, I stared up at the ceiling but was watching the scenery in my head.

            It was night, the stars in the sky shined brightly from space, twinkling for the world to see. The ground was covered in freshly fallen snow, it was light but wet enough to make a small crunching squeak under you foot with each step. Beneath the snow was grass that still had some green color to it. A stone path cut a winding shape through the field of grass. I walked across the stone path, wearing a winter coat and scarf and every exhaling breath was a visible puff of from my mouth. To my left was a row of tall pine trees, each tree was between seven and eight feet tall. Bright strings of lights and colorful decorations covered the trees. These Christmas trees let off a warm glow which was a pleasant contrast to the cold snowy night of winter.

            I continued walking down the path, the snow was melting away from the stone but was still sticking to the grass. As I was walking I spotted two pumpkins lightly dusted with snow. They were to the right of the path and so close that they were almost touching the stone. The snowy pumpkins sat in the grass and seemed out of place in the otherwise Christmas landscape that had been spread out before me.

I approached the pumpkins, crouched down and gently touched the side of one. The pumpkins had faces carved in them. The eyes and mouth lit up when I touched the first pumpkin. Both pumpkins turned to reveal that they were Jack-O-Lanterns with a light that glowed just as bright and warmly as the Christmas trees. “It is much to late for Jack-O-Lanterns” I said, then paused “Or much too early” I added. The first pumpkin began to move its carved mouth “We are not pumpkins that celebrate Halloween, we are pumpkins that you keep around as regret. You carried us into this Christmas and while others walk right by without notice you always stop and check on us. Halloween is once a year and you worry you don’t appreciate it when it arrives. Just the same that you will not fully appreciate Christmas until it is over. When you are walking alone in January you will find a small tree only a foot tall and covered in Christmas lights. You carry your regret without being asked and insist on doing this even if you were told to stop. We are also the fond memory of the recent Halloween passed. It is not all regret it is also joy. But we are pumpkins in the snow, slowly getting buried until we are forgotten until the snow melts. This is just like your memory of Halloween, a beloved holiday that slowly gets snowed over by the excitement of Christmas and when the snow melts you will be wishing for Halloween all over again.” Spoke the first pumpkin, its words cut me to the core and I muttered “sorry” but didn’t know why.

            I stood up from my crouching position and began to walk further down the path. “Don’t worry we will always be around. You don’t need one day to celebrate the happy memories. Those stay forever” Called the second pumpkin, who seemed more laid back and probably took a lot of naps.

            A tear welled up in the corner of my eye as I walked away. I smiled as I thought of the fun I had in Autumn, no matter how short it was, I enjoyed it. I then looked forward and took in the sights of the Christmas snow and lights.

            My walking pace slowed to a stroll as I thought about the Holidays passed and the ones approaching. A small person in green and white clothes was in the field to the far right. He looked like one of santa’s elves. I didn’t believe in santa but I gave the elf the benefit of being possibly real. “Hello!” I called and waved to the elf. The small person looked up and waved back. I continued walking so as to not risk getting lectured by another Holiday symbol. I didn’t need a Christmas elf that eating junk food and staying up all night playing video games was bad, or that I should be more charitable.

            As I walked I saw a small house in the distance. It was brightly lit up and surrounded by the peaceful scenery of night air, snow and a forest even further back behind the house.

            I continued moving forward and could see more detail in the house. It was a small wooden cottage with wood smoke coming from the chimney, snow on the roof, a string of Christmas lights lined the roof and windows and a porch light that seemed warm and inviting. My slow stroll turned into a brisk walk as I imaged the comforts of the cottage and how nice the warm fire would be after walking in the cold night air for so long. My cheeks started to get read and my toes were cold.

            I finally reached the house, I walked up the two wooden steps that led to a covered porch, I wiped my feet on a decorative bear statue that had bristles on his back. The stone bear with the hard bristles seemed to be there with the purpose of cleaning off shoes. As I walked to the door I was about to knock but felt so comfortable I reached for the knob and walked right it.

            The inside of the cottage was warm and inviting, I smelled mulled apple cider and a crackling fire. Soft music played on a record player near by. The crackling of the fire and the small crackling sound the record player made were just as pleasant as the music being played.

            In the living room was a big fluffy dark green couch with blankets draped over the back. Next to the couch was an arm chair which looked just as comfortable. I sat down in the armchair. As soon as my body rested into the chair I began hearing voices of happy people playing in the house. I saw a black cat sitting on the couch, curled up and sleeping. I smiled and reached over to pet the cat. Before I touched the cat my eyes began to tear up. Tears trickled down my face though I did not know why. I touched the cats soft shiny fur, it looked up at me with its big green eyes and then vanished.

            I heard a female’s voice all to me and without hesitation I responded “Yes, Honey?” I looked around and no one was there. I was confused by the house and even more confused by my own actions. The house seemed so real but everything disappeared when I reached for it.

            I stood up and saw silhouettes of children playing and a reading a book while lounging in a chair. I would blink and they silhouettes would disappear. The smell of fresh pie lingered in the air and I could still smell hints of the mulled cider from when I first arrived. I knew these things weren’t real and decided to leave.

            I left through the front door, walked down the two steps and continued walking down the stone path. I didn’t look back once not even after I walked so long that the house was out of view. I walked down the stone path and came to a split. I took the path to the right and followed it into town.

            I arrived in a modern town, it wasn’t fancy, it didn’t have a warm glow and no one went out of their way to give helpful advice, but at least it was real. I walked to a three floor house, made my way passed the front door and opened an easy to miss side door. The door took me up a winding set of stairs that led to another door, I unlocked the second door and arrived at a small apartment on the third floor. It was quiet, cozy and except for the landlord, no one else knew it existed. 

            I entered into the living room, to my right was a big window that looked out on train tracks and the tops of other peoples houses. Sometimes the train would come rocketing by and I could feel the gentle shake of the building as the force of the giant machine moved quickly down the metal tracks. Having the train close to my apartment was an interesting feeling that I have yet to describe in any way other than “pretty cool”. The muffled sound of the train and the gentle rocking was a great feeling. I could close my eyes and it felt like I was on the train, gently rocking side to side as I sped toward another land.

            I locked the door to my apartment and laid down on the floor. I made a kiss noise in the air and two cats came out from hiding and started to purr immediately. The cats rubbed their faces on my face and hands, welcoming me home. I pet the cats for a minute then slowly stood up. The lazy cats plopped over onto their sides like sacks of potatoes when I stood.

            I crossed the room to a small stand. On the stand was a two foot tall plastic Christmas tree. I clicked a button on the bottom of the trees plastic stand and the branches of the tree began to light up. I turned the lights off, took my shoes off and crawled into bed. I pulled the blankets over my head and nestled into bed. My cats jumped on me and sprawled out, draping their bodies across the bed and over my legs. The fake Christmas tree gave off a soft colorful light in the dark room, my cats purred themselves to sleep and in the distance I heard the muffled sound of the train.

Coffee Beans

Joseph walked into his kitchen, the room had a chill in the air. It was almost October and the summer had barely ended. The house took a turn from being hot and humid to cold and dry in a matter of hours. While the world slept the cold air of Fall slowly crept through the town like a rolling fog. Joseph shuffled through his kitchen in his green fuzzy slippers. Each step made a smooth shuffling sound as the plastic from the bottom of the slippers rubbed against the linoleum flooring.

 

            It was still early and Joseph hadn’t fully regained his senses. He shuffled like a zombie over to his freezer and removed a canister of coffee. He opened the canister and the fresh smell of ground coffee filled his nostrils. He started to feel more awake just by smelling the sweet caffeine in those dark ground up beans. Coffee was always a soothing comfort to Joseph and the warmth of each cup helped on cold autumn mornings.

 

            Joseph poured the coffee grounds into the pot and then added water, the splashing of the cold water into the coffee maker drifted into Joseph’s ears and traveled to his half awake mind. The splashing water was soothing and his day dreaming state took him to a place of pouring rain and warm coffee. Joseph snapped awake and remembered his mission, to brew a caffienated beverage. Joseph reached for the button and pressed it. There was a small click and a little green light went on. That small noise was strangely satisfying and a small shot of excitement went through him. This was not an unusual morning and he found it strange that he would get so excited for a process that he had accomplished hundreds of times.

 

            Joseph opened his cabinets where he kept his coffee mugs and pulled out a bright orange pumpkin shaped Jack-o-lantern mug with a silly grinning face on it. Joseph loved little things like playfully shaped coffee mugs, weird key chains, unusual hats and unique styles of glasses. His favorite coffee mugs were the ones that were related to Halloween, video games and cats.

 

            The coffee had finished brewing and sat in the pot warm and dark just waiting to be poured into a weird coffee mug. Joseph took his pumpkin mug and poured in the cream and sugar, then poured the coffee on top of it. The coffee, cream and sugar all mixed together as the dark liquid fell from the pot in an even flow.

 

            Joseph took a careful sip from the top of his pumpkin shaped mug. He had a habit of over filling his cup and the pumpkin mug was not practical to drink out of. Since the top of it curved inward, forcing the coffee drinker to use a different coffee drinking strategy just for that mug. Joseph didn’t mind little annoyances like a mug that was slightly harder to drink from. He felt that the little novelties that he collected were his few remaining expressions of self. He went to work, paid bills, did errands and chores like everyone else. For many it is hard to hold onto identity as an adult. Many work places treat the workers like a number that is only to be employed for as long as they are useful. Joseph couldn’t fix business politics or regulate laws to make the work place a better environment, he didn’t even complain about his job. Instead of complaining or acting out, he bought novelty coffee mugs. Occasionally Joseph felt sad about having to express himself through coffee mugs but many people did it and he hoped others like him found other ways to express themselves too.

 

            Joseph looked at his mug and realized he had drifted into a very deep inner monolog, so he shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. The chemical reaction in his brain lit up the nerves like lights on a twitch board. He wasn’t instantly awake but he felt like he was slowly coming out of his morning haze. If there was a world where no one had to wake up earlier than they wanted to, Joseph would still drink coffee. It would be a noon though and not seven in the morning.

 

            Joseph shuffled to his kitchen table, his green bathrobe draped around him like a very disheveled king and his fuzzy slippers slid and smacked against the kitchen flooring. Joseph sat down with a small groan and took another sip of his coffee. Three pairs of eyes stared at him from the kitchen chair next to him. It was an eerie sight but Joseph was used to it. Three cats with large eyes stared at Joseph expecting attention and food. One cat was all black with bright green eyes, another was a gray tabby who also had green eyes and the third was a calico with beautiful golden eyes.

 

            Joseph waved his hand at the cats dismissively. “Alright alright” he grumbled. The cats jumped off the chair, then quietly and quickly walked to their food dish. Each cat was very graceful as they walked to the food dish. Joseph couldn’t believe that these calm, well-behaved cats were the same cats that were running full speed through the house at two in the morning. Cats were an interesting species as they could be both clumsy, goofy, garbage eating monsters and then still retain a level of elegance and poise when they wanted to.

 

            Joseph’s wife Samantha came down the stairs from the bedroom, looking tired but beautiful as she always did. Joseph thought that Samantha must have been part cat as she had the same traits as their housecats. Samantha was elegant, affectionate, calm and knew how to appear dignified, but she also loved to eat sloppy foods, dance like a crazy person and just like a cat, if she didn’t like someone, they would know it. Joseph knew that Samantha had claws hidden somewhere within her slender pale fingers, he just hadn’t seen them yet.

 

            “Good morning” Samantha cooed at Joseph. “Good morning beautiful” Joseph cooed back. The sweetness of that moment could have provided enough sugar for both of their cups of coffee.

 

            Joseph poured a second cup of coffee. Samantha had a red mug with a gold colored design on it. It was pretty classy. Joseph always thought that the gold design looked like a French symbol or decoration, but he didn’t know enough about French markings to be sure.

 

            Samantha gave Joseph a kiss as she reached for her cup. As she leaned back from the kiss she brought the coffee cup up between them and took a long slow sip. “I love you” She whispered. “I love you too” Said Joseph. “I was talking to the coffee” Samantha said and stuck out her tongue. Samantha’s playfulness took Joseph by surprise and he couldn’t contain his wide goofy grin. Samantha was the only person that could make Joseph feel like he was back in highschool, a dorky sixteen year old with a crush on a beautiful classmate. Joseph was still a nerd but he was a happy nerd who married that beautiful crush of his.

 

            Samantha fed the cats who had been waiting patently by their dish. The three elegant garbage monsters attacked their dry cat food like it was prey in the savanna. After feeding the cats, Samantha moved onto her own breakfast. “Do you want anything sweetie?” Asked Samantha. “I can’t, I have to get to work” Joseph sighed. He spent a little too long savoring his morning and was a few minutes behind schedule. He ran upstairs and began to dress for work. Rain started to fall from the sky in small steady drops.  Joseph wished he didn’t have to work, he didn’t want to go out into the cold rain, away from his loving wife, warm house and silly cats. Joseph walked back downstairs and grabbed his umbrella, he checked his phone for the time then quickly went back into the kitchen to say good-bye to his wife.

 

            Joseph walked in and kissed Samantha, who was smiling as she was making breakfast. Joseph went for the door when he heard Samantha call from the kitchen “Hold it! When you checked your phone for the time did you not see the date as well?” Asked Samantha. Joseph looked at his phone again and the build in calendar said it was Saturday. “OH!” Joseph exclaimed in confusion, relief and surprise. Many different feelings and emotions were felt and expressed in only a brief second and through a short grunt of an exclamation.

 

            Joseph took off his shoes and coat and walked back into the kitchen. “I guess I’ll make some breakfast then” He said, still in disbelief that it was Saturday. Samantha placed a plate of French toast and fruit in front of Joseph “I took care of it” Samantha said with a smile. It was a smile that Joseph could stare at all day long.

 

            The went on with a casual pace, Joseph and Samantha listened to the rain pouring outside as they drank their warm coffees and ate breakfast together. The world wasn’t always a nice place to live but at that moment Joseph felt peace.

 

            Life doesn’t need to be any more complicated than you make it. Sometimes all you need is someone to love, a fresh cup of coffee and a little rain in the Fall.

Empty House

            On a snowy night I sit at home. Alone again. The feeling of sadness and exhaustion washes over me as I look around at my ruined house. There was no grand fight, natural disaster or even a break in, this was destruction from a wounded man.

            Sadness and frustration filled my head and that led to anger. Anger led to rage and that led to destruction. I sit on the floor as sadness takes hold again. I feel like a dog chasing his tail, running in circles and never getting anywhere. I feel like I spend my days beating my head against the wall and when the pain is too much I explode and then start all over again. I do not know how to break this cycle, how to feel better. I know happiness is possible but it seems so far away.

            I dream of a happier day as I continue to run in circles. No one is forcing my life in any direction, I am doing this to myself. I continue the cycle of pain and then get angry when I get hurt. I realized I had a problem when I started spending most of my money replacing my cheap furniture on a regular basis.

            I don’t see any outside help, no one is trying to get into my life, and no one seems interested in helping me. They see me like they would see an old empty house. They take a look, they might even peek their head in the window, but no one goes inside. My life isn’t a shelter for the weak or a place to warm up. But if someone took the time to turn on some lights and maybe start a fire in the fireplace my empty house of a life might seem a little cozier.

            No one wants to put in the investment and so I am stuck doing it all myself. The only time I might get someone poking their head in the door is the few times I get a nice fire going for myself. They see the warmth and want to be apart of it, but if the fire goes out they leave as fast as they came.

            So sit on the kitchen floor of my actual house, staring into the living room at all of the broken furniture. Chairs I need to replace, a new couch I need to pay for. It will give me something to do, something to distract my mind for a little while.

            Until I find someone willing to help me rebuild my life or gain the energy to do it myself, I will continue to feel like an empty old house with broken furniture in the living room.

Rain Eternal

The pouring rain, I can hear it. I stare off at a freshly plowed road, snow continues to fall in defiance of the humans who attempt to remove the frozen nuisance from their path. Dirty snow sits in clumps and mounds at the edge of every road and walkway. Winter has dragged on long enough, like a pest that refuses to leave the house or an ex who refuses to stop calling your phone, the winter wears out its welcome.

            The gentle fall of snow is deceptive, it looks like something delicate and pure. The sight of it should calm any who look upon it, but the snow slows travel and accumulates in such mass that its removal causes more hardship on the lives that are already dealing with such of pain. Delicate but consuming, it comes around every year and stays till there is nothing left of you. The cold is bitter, it pains my bones and tenses my muscles. The gray sky depresses and the winter drags on.

            I can hear the rain, I hear it approaching. I close my eyes and I can almost hear the sound of raindrops on my roof. I can still remember the fresh smell of the air after the rain and the cool refreshing breeze of spring. My spirit is tired and worn from years of cold air touching my skin. Some may say the rain is depressing, but I say it is not. Rain is life. It is Water from the heavens pouring down on the people, nourishing the land and warming out spirits.

            The rain will come, when I do not know. But when it does I will leave this land of strife. I will walk outside, into the rain and disappear. To be transported to a place of warm air and rain eternal. This is my dream.

You, me and the rain

            Its been raining for hours. Day turned to night and the rain continued. I think of you as I sit on my porch listening to the rain. Soft music echoes from inside the house, the patter of rain sounds outside and on the roof. I watch as a seemingly endless supply of rain pelts the trees, sidewalk and street.

            The world changes when it rains. The sound of rain is almost hypnotic, sending you back into your deepest memories. My body relaxes as I watch and listen. A cool breeze drifts past me. I sip from my glass and I think back.

            Rainy days always make me a little sentimental and nostalgic, every chill in the air mixed with the warmth coming from my house makes me think of you. Cuddling on the couch as we watched the rain. I get lonely and think of those days. I miss you, eternally. On warm days its easier, the sun makes me too warm and I can distract myself from my feelings. But on cool nights and especially when it rains, I feel so relaxed and happy and think, the only way this could be better is if you were here with me.

            So I sit and sip my drink, Scotch on the rocks. It lets me sleep and when I sleep I dream of your face and your gentle touch. With the rain, the wind and my thoughts of you, if I could make this night go on forever I would. A peaceful evening and a night of pleasant dreams, the light of morning comes too soon, but for now it’s just You, Me and the rain.