Joseph Stephens and the Crushing army

            A cloaked figure stood at the edge of a cliff that overlooked a valley. The Valley was covered in soldiers all marching under a red banner with a the gruesome image of a hammer crushing a skull. The cloaked figure smiled from under his crimson red cloak, he stuck out his hand and flames shot out through the air. The Army halted and began to cheer for their leader. The army was made up of human soldiers, orcs, golems, wizards, wolf riding goblins and some of the finest bowmen in the land. Such a mixed bag of creatures and professionals all marched under the same banner of their all-powerful master, The Archemage Williams. The Arch mage pulled out an enchanted relic, a powerful war hammer from an age gone by. “With this we will make the lands of old bow to us! We will conquer the world and reign over it for thousands of years!” Shouted the Archemage as a burst of flames shot up from the ground. the Army cheered loudly, sound of their cheering was a mighty roar that echoed through the land.

           

            In a quiet town on a quiet street a man named Joseph Stephens was cleaning up his house for springtime. His adventures were that off the tame variety, talking with the physical embodiment of Fall, winter, Spring and summer, having a bizarre thanksgiving with his friend and talking to fish who were bad luck. He never dreamed of looming armies and war torn lands. Joseph saw his friend Jaye Williams asleep on the couch and struck Jaye sharply with the end of his broom. “Wake up! You are supposed to be helping” Joseph said with an annoyed tone. “All will fall to my crushing might and vast armies” Jaye said half asleep. Joseph jabbed Jaye with the broom handle again, Jaye woke up fully with a start and tried to blast Joseph with a fireball. “Oh, right” Jaye said looking down at his hands. It was all a dream, No vast armies, no Archmage Williams and no crushing lands of old. “Archemage Williams shouldn’t have to put up with this” Jaye muttered. “What?” Joseph said only half listening. “Do we have any more cookies?” Jaye asked, completely forgetting his dream. “Only those chess cookies that I like” Joseph replied.

            So the Archemage Jaye Williams went into the kitchen and ate a chess cookie, though they weren’t his favorite. The land would be at peace for another day.

Winter Fatigue

Frost melted from the windows of the old house, a man peeked out at the outside world, weary from snow and skeptical of the warm weather. He had been trapped in his small house for months from all of the snow. There was still snow on the ground, but there were also hints of green grass poking through. It was faded green but any color other than white and gray was a wondrous sight.  Birds sang out a happy tune on a near by branch and the man was encouraged further. He opened the door and felt the sun shine on his skin, it was warm and inviting, the smell of melting snow and rain filled his nostrils. He smiled for the first time in months. He was so excited that he ran outside only half dressed.

            Spring had sprung and the man began to dance and run around his yard. The mud and the chilly rain did not bother him, even a cool spring day felt like summer compared to the harsh winters he had experienced. Winter was over and now it was time to celebrate. The man decided to run inside, get dressed and then travel out into the world, somewhere further than the front of his house.

           

            He ran toward his house and right before he reached his door the wind blew hard and pulled it shut. He door slammed right on his face. The wind blew hard again and shook snow off of the tree branches. Slushy, freezing snow plopped down on the old mans head. This soured his mood but he thought “At least winter is behind us”

            That night the whole area had six feet of snow.

Joseph Stephens and the Clover brawl part 2

            It was a quiet St. Patrick’s day evening, the grass was green the trees were starting to bloom and everyone was having a good time consuming low level poisons that tasted like bread and happiness. On the outskirts of town was a pub that the locals referred to as “The Clover”. Joseph Stephens and Jaye Williams stood in the demolished bar as a whole group of magical and ‘roided out bros stared them down. Joseph and Jaye glowed with a golden light from the magical Irish stout they drank in the basement of the bar and they were ready to show these jerks not to mess with people who just want to mind their own business. Wizbro smiled from under his amber-crombi brand hood. Joseph ran forward with the fury of a guy who was picked on in high school and now has magical powers. Joseph swung at the Wizbro and midair Joseph’s arm turned to stone. The stone punch connected with Wizbro’s face. The stone fist shattered his good looks and the other bros quickly leaped on him and devoured him to gain his power. The Bros can smell weakness and hate the weakness in themselves as well as others, so they seek to destroy all who are considered ‘less’ than themselves. Also Wizbro was magical so eating his flesh could give people magic.

            RoidBro stepped up in his place, now surging with some small amount of magic stolen from Wizbro and veins filled with illegal drugs he charged at Joseph and punched Joseph so hard he flew backward, destroying a support beam and part of the wall as he went. “No one beats on him but me!” Jaye shouted, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a claw hammer engulfed in flames. “Flaaaame Hammar!” He shouted, hoping his catch phase would catch on. He then threw the hammer with all of his magical strength. it whirled through the air at Roidbro. Before it could hit, Roidbro caught it out of the air and began to laugh. His laughing was interrupted as the flames from the hammer spread out along his arm and then quickly covered his whole body in scorching flames. RoidBro slammed his palms on the ground causing a shockwave which extinguished the flames. RoidBro was too late though and his shockwave was his last act. Roidbro fell over and hit the ground with such force it shattered the floor under him and his body fell into the cellar.

            Several Bros charged Jaye at the same time, unaffected by another fellow council member’s death. “I am starting to think this group is more about picking fights than sticking together” Jaye said as the group rushed at him. Jaye jumped in the air causing wind to start spinning around his body, when he landed the wind was discharged and sent out rushing toward the group. Hurricane winds blasted back the bros and shattered all the windows in the building. Jill was taking cover behind the bar and when the hurricane winds blasted out the windows she went into the basement.

            Every time Joseph or Jaye took out a Bro there always seemed to be more to take their place. Joseph tried to focus his energy, all of his golden energy focused into his hands and he shot it into the air. He used all of his power but was still drunk. Joseph fell over from exhaustion and because he was a lightweight. As soon as he hit the floor a crack of thunder shook the sky. Rain began to pour down and a bolt of lighting shot down through the ceiling and struck a group of bros, blasting them to ashes. The bar caught fire from the lighting strike and the wind from the storm spread the fire over the wooden furniture. Jaye realized how serious it was getting and grabbed his friend. Jaye used the last of his energy to teleport both of them a twenty feet away from the bar and outside. Jaye then remembered Jill the bartender was still in bar. He started to run toward the bar when he saw a group of Bros charging in over the horizon like a vicious army of beasts. Then the redheaded bartended blasted out of the bar, glowing with energy and using wind magic to fly. She drank the rest of the Legendary Irish Stout and now surged with power. The bros were furious as they charged the bar. Jill the bartender charged up a ball of fire and then launched a stream of flames out from her hands. The bar, the army of bros and any grass in the area was consumed by flames as the flying bartended laughed hysterically.

            Time passed, the rains extinguished the flames and Jill, Jaye and Joseph had all sobered up and exhausted their magic. There was nothing left of the bar, just scorched ground and ash. Joseph had regained consciousness and was staring at the spot where the bar used to be. “We did the world a service getting rid of those bros” said Jill. “What will you do now? Asked Joseph. “Maybe the Owner will sell me the land cheap, I could start my own bar. Not a gimmicky bar, just something nice to call my own” Jill replied. “Can we get free drinks?” Jaye asked excitedly. “If you help me build it” Jill replied. “Well that’s a deal!” both Jaye and Joseph said at the same time.

            It was a cold, rainy night, St. Patricks day was almost over. Joseph could think of better ways to spend his day, but having a drunken magic fueled brawl while ridding the world of a dozen or more Bros is still pretty great.

Joseph Stephens and the Clover Brawl part 1

            It was St.Patrick’s day, the day when people with any amount of Irish blood celebrated their heritage and try to feel like part of something larger than themselves while getting blasted drunk. Joseph Stephens and Jaye Williams weren’t normally drinkers but on St. Patrick’s day they decided it would be rude to not help celebrate.

            Joseph Stephens and Jaye Williams walked down the street on their way to “Irish mcpatty’s Irish clover themed pub and bar” Everyone just called it “The Clover” some residence even asked the owner of the bar to change the name to “The clover” but the owner refused. The owner was Italian.

 “So do you have any Irish in you?” Asked Jaye. “Yeah, my great great grandfather came here from Ireland, good old Herbert Ramshackle Stephens” Joseph replied. Out of all of the Stephens family Herbert Stephens was the most memorable, but that is another story for another time.

            “What about you, any luck of the Irish in your veins?” Joseph asked “eh?! No, yeah, well maybe. I was raised by wolves” Jaye replied casually. Joseph knew wolves didn’t raise Jaye, Jaye’s parents attended the large thanksgiving dinner in town. Joseph thought for a moment “His parents looked human, wait…were they wolves in disguise? Can wolves do that? They didn’t look especially Irish, is there even such a thing as Irish wolves? There’s wolves in Ireland, right?” Joseph thought to himself. The whole time Joseph was quiet and continued to walk with a furrowed brow and focused eyes. “You were raised by Irish wolves that can walk and talk like people?!” Joseph finally shouted after ten straight minutes of silence. Jaye didn’t even flinch or react he just casually said “Yeah, that’s right”

            Finally the two friends arrived at “The Clover”. The outside of the bar was brown wood panels with painted green trim and a cobblestone path that led to the door. The two walked into the bar, which was packed full of people wearing green and drinking Irish beer and Irish Whiskey. Some people were drinking green beer, light beer with green food coloring, and they were shunned. Joseph was wearing a forest green spring jacket, a dark green shirt, black pants and brown shoes. Jaye was wearing a weathered old dark green hoodie, under that he had on a bright lime green t-shirt, blue jeans and purple and yellow sneakers.

            The bar was decorated in Celtic Irish patterns, deep green, dark oak and an over all rustic appearance. Joseph and Jaye walked up to the bartender who was a redheaded woman named Jill. “what can I do for you lads?” asked the bartender. “Two dark beers and two shots of Irish whiskey” Said Joseph Stephens. “Yo, dude. You sure you don’t need, like a green milkshake or something? Hey Bartender, I think these two kids snuck in” said a loud douchebro wearing a lime green polo shirt and drinking a green beer.

            Joseph Stephens was a very young looking for a guy in his mid twenties and Jaye didn’t look too much older. Both men were the same age and could only grow a little facial hair. The Bartender just sighed and Jaye patted Joseph’s shoulder “Settle down slaps, its ok” Jaye said. Joseph was noticeably upset but he calmed himself. Joseph got his drinks and did his shot at the bar. Jaye did his shot and then the two walked off to find a table. Celtic music was playing in the background and Joseph really enjoyed Irish alcohol, though he rarely drank. Joseph took a single sip of his dark beer. The flavor was terrific. It was just the right amount of bitter and savory, the aroma made him feel happy and nostalgic all at once. Joseph and Jaye smiled as they both took large sips of their beer. It was a great moment, but the moment quickly ended when Joseph was shoved by the Lime shirt douchebro. “You ignoring me bro?” Asked the Bro. Joseph stumbled and dropped his glass. Time slowed to a crawl as he watched his almost full glass of dark beer tumble to the ground, hit the floor then shatter. Beer splashed everyone around and several people were annoyed. The moment the beer hit the ground Joseph was already mid punch. Joseph decked the Bro in the face as hard as he could. The Bro stumbled backward, enraged that someone stood up to him and touched his face. Furious and with wounded pride the douchebro attacked. Jaye lifted a chair up over his had and smashed it down onto the Bro, which sent him crumpling to the ground. “Chair” Jaye said casually. “Not the same ring to it as Claw hammer” Joseph replied.

            The crowd of drunk customers began to slowly make their way to the exit. Normally fights would excite a crowd but for some reason this crowd seemed worried. “Bro, did you beat our bro?” Asked a man in a black robe. “yeah, but he had it coming. Who are you?” Asked Jaye. “We are the party council, and I am Wizard Bro. If you start beef with one of us, you start it with all of us” Said WizBro. “Are you joking?” Joseph said in disbelief. “Weird stuff just follows you” Jaye whispered. Wizbro began to wave his hands through the air and then brought his hands out, electricity surged through his hands and came out from his palms in a stream of electrical energy. Joseph and Jaye jumped out of the way as the electrical energy turned the tables and chairs to ash. The electricity also consumed DouchBro. “Oh, dude, bro. Sorry about that. Inform his next of bro” Said Wizbro to another jerky looking guy.

            “This is nuts! How are we supposed to fight magic?” Jaye shouted over the sound of the bar being torn up by electricity. “We find the legendary Irish Stout. A dark beer so delicious and legendary that it gives the person who drinks it incredible powers, also makes them drunk” Said Joseph. “That sounds made up” replied Jaye. “you weren’t really raised by wolves” replied Joseph. “Was too!” said Jaye. “Hey, idiots. The cellar of this pub has keg of legendary Irish stout, go get some and stop that jerk from destroying the bar!” The redheaded bartended shouted.

            The two friends nodded and ran behind the bar and the bartended opened a hatch that led to the basement. The two men jumped down into the musty basement. It was dark and filled with different kinds of alcohol bottles, kegs and casks. The bartender closed the hatch and hid behind the bar swearing under her breath as the Bros wrecked the place. “Where did they go?” Shouted one of the Bros.

            Joseph and Jaye burst up through the floor drunk and glowing with energy. “here we are”