When the Lights go out

When the lights go out, when the people leave and the last note of a song fades, that’s when you find out what kind of person you are. When there are no other voices to hear but your own, that is when you will start to hear your own true voice.

            I have screamed into the darkness and only heard daunting silence as a reply, I have drifted along in the tides of uncertainty for so long that I can stand firm and unwavering on my ship as my life drifts out to sea. I have grown so used to the sound and feel of misfortune that I feel dread when it is not around. I have embraced so many negatives in this world and act as if the world was this way for everyone. Some think I am strange or unnecessarily aggressive but they have not seen the things I have.

            I am so accustomed to being alone that I find it tiring to be around others for long periods of time. Just as some might not understand why I can’t stand large gatherings of people, I also have a hard time understanding how someone could not handle being alone.

Brian down the Hall

            Brian woke up with a stinging pain in his head, he opened his eyes and saw white lights in his vision.

            It was a cloudy day in August, the weather switched from hot to cold on a whim. On Monday it was blazing hot outside and on Tuesday it was raining, humid and warm. Brian woke up on a Wednesday. The sky was cloudy, a cool breeze blew in through the small space opened in Brian’s bedroom window. The thin sheet used as a curtain danced on the breeze as the sun shone through the white sheet. Brian dragged his hand over his face in an attempt to wake up. Brian would rub his face in the morning to feel more awake, he always thought this was because it made blood rush to his face and hopefully his brain.

            Brian stood up from his mattress on the floor, then stumbled as another shooting pain went through his head. His bed was covered in a cheap white sheet, similar to his window. He had one pillow and a small blanket to cover with. His studio apartment was a large empty space with sparse furniture and white sheets covering the three windows he had.

            Brian walked over to a small end table near his bed. The table was pressed up against the wall and directly under a window. On the blue end table was a glass pipe, a lighter, a metal railroad spike and a white coffee cup stained with coffee with the words “Rocker Cat” on it, below the words was a cat with a blue Mohawk.

            Brian opened his window a little wider, picked up his glass pipe and lit it. He inhaled deeply, held his breath then slowly exhaled. Thick smoke was expelled out through his mouth and nose. He felt his nerves ease and the pains he woke up with began calm. The sharp pain in his head continued though. He picked up the long sharp spike a delicately placed it against the right side of his head at the base of his skull and jammed the spike upward into his head. With a loud squish and crunch the pain finally was gone.

            Brian woke up on the floor with a smile on his face and a railroad spike sticking from the base of his skull. He stood up, rubbed his face again and picked up his “Rocker cat” coffee mug from the end table. He went to the kitchen with his cup, washed it out and made a fresh pot of coffee.

            While he went through his morning routine of washing up, making coffee and drinking coffee, the spike in his skull did not fall out, his head didn’t bleed and from the expression Brian’s face, the spike in his head wasn’t an unpleasant sensation. Brian had a series of scars around the insertion point of the spike, showing that he did this on a regular basis.

            Once he was dressed and had his coffee and other drugs, he stepped out of his front door into his apartment building’s main hallway. The hallway was old fashioned and looked like it was from the nineteen twenties. He was on the third floor and casually walked down each flight of stairs, passing rows of other apartments on his way.

            Finally Brian reached the exit to his building, opened the door and stepped out into the wonderful city of Hallows End. It was the modern age for monsters and the Halloween city of Hallows End had grown from a small settlement of creatures to a city of every kind of creature and misfit that the outside world was afraid of or disgusted with. Needless to say, Hallows End had some humans as well, politicians, lawyers and bureaucrats were all welcome. These humans had to follow the same rules as the monsters of the city and would be banished if they hurt fellow citizens.

            Brian wasn’t human though he had human friends. Brian was a wendigo, an evil creature born from human greed, cannibalism and taboo actions. So he had a lot going for him. He was humanoid, with two arms, two legs, he wore pants and a t-shirt, had paper white skin, deep sunken in eyes, sharp teeth hidden under thin pale lips, a shaggy head of white hair with a stripe of blue dyed in it and a railroad spike sticking out of his head.

 Brian the Wedigo tried his best to fit in with humans and other monsters but it was difficult to not kill and violate every living creature in the area, so he had to take medicine given to calm monsters and on top of that Brian was fond of smoking herbs that he found in the Dark Forest.

            Since Brian had rapid healing and damage to the brain didn’t kill him like it would to other creatures, he found that jamming a spike through his head was the only thing that would cure his migraines, it also helped calm his aggressive behavior.

            Humans only thought about monsters being acceptable on Halloween or when they visited Hallows End in October. The truth that no one really thought about was, monsters that exist on Halloween don’t just vanish after October ends, some do, but most don’t, monsters still have to go on with their lives or afterlives the rest of the year, trying their best to get by and resist the urge to eat children.

Standing against the rain

            I stand in the pouring rain, staring ahead, stern faced and shoulders tensed. I leave my hands relaxed to give the impression that I am just as relaxed. I put little effort into my relaxed disguise as my eyes cut holes in anything I look at.

           

            The world is frequently chaotic and on fire, but today the world is pouring rain and the cobblestone beneath my feet falls away all around me. I see windows with warm yellow light emitting from them, inside the windows people are laughing, smiling and having conversations while other windows have people with calm faces and relaxed shoulders. No one can see me from their windows and no one bothers to look out into the rain.

            In my mind I am brandishing a crowbar and have broken those smug windows with their warm glow pouring out of them. I have also broken the smiling faces of the ones sitting comfortably inside. Back in reality I do nothing but stare while life pushes on and the people in the windows live their lives, never noticing my existence or caring to see it.

            Some people stand alone and invisible and those people have to stand the strongest. Occasionally a traveler might see me and help prop me up before walking off into the night but ultimately we are alone in this world.

            There are times I feel guilty for even thinking about how lonely I am or how bad it feels to struggle with little or no support. The reality is that all humans are alone and the human race is a race of insecure and highly intelligent animals who shriek into the darkness and pretend everything is fine. There are varying degrees of shrieking in the darkness but the Grim Reaper comes for us all sooner or later and when shadow of death looms over you, that is when you will truly find out that money, lovers and “yes men” cannot save you.

             The only certainty in life is death and taxes but death can’t be avoided.

I do not fear death, I have experienced pain in life and unless I am cast into the fiery pits of hell, I know death couldn’t be any worse than life. I will embrace a new life, an afterlife or the sweet release of oblivion. If there is no heaven then I will not have a consciousness to be bothered by it. The lights go out, the curtain falls and that’s all she wrote.

            I do like to think there is more than this life but I am not in a hurry to find out. I would like to experience the bliss of heaven but living on earth the way I have, it is easier to believe in a hell than believe in a heaven. Still all the same, I believe in heaven despite everything.

            So I endure the rain and the darkness, I take comfort in the little things and I curb my rage against others, even those who capitalize on the misfortune of others. Any time my mind decides that the only solution is violence, that is when I do nothing at all. I know that any action I took at that point would lead to something I might regret, or worse, something I would enjoy too much.

Christmas Landscape

It was three weeks before Christmas and I was in bed, I stared up at the ceiling but was watching the scenery in my head.

            It was night, the stars in the sky shined brightly from space, twinkling for the world to see. The ground was covered in freshly fallen snow, it was light but wet enough to make a small crunching squeak under you foot with each step. Beneath the snow was grass that still had some green color to it. A stone path cut a winding shape through the field of grass. I walked across the stone path, wearing a winter coat and scarf and every exhaling breath was a visible puff of from my mouth. To my left was a row of tall pine trees, each tree was between seven and eight feet tall. Bright strings of lights and colorful decorations covered the trees. These Christmas trees let off a warm glow which was a pleasant contrast to the cold snowy night of winter.

            I continued walking down the path, the snow was melting away from the stone but was still sticking to the grass. As I was walking I spotted two pumpkins lightly dusted with snow. They were to the right of the path and so close that they were almost touching the stone. The snowy pumpkins sat in the grass and seemed out of place in the otherwise Christmas landscape that had been spread out before me.

I approached the pumpkins, crouched down and gently touched the side of one. The pumpkins had faces carved in them. The eyes and mouth lit up when I touched the first pumpkin. Both pumpkins turned to reveal that they were Jack-O-Lanterns with a light that glowed just as bright and warmly as the Christmas trees. “It is much to late for Jack-O-Lanterns” I said, then paused “Or much too early” I added. The first pumpkin began to move its carved mouth “We are not pumpkins that celebrate Halloween, we are pumpkins that you keep around as regret. You carried us into this Christmas and while others walk right by without notice you always stop and check on us. Halloween is once a year and you worry you don’t appreciate it when it arrives. Just the same that you will not fully appreciate Christmas until it is over. When you are walking alone in January you will find a small tree only a foot tall and covered in Christmas lights. You carry your regret without being asked and insist on doing this even if you were told to stop. We are also the fond memory of the recent Halloween passed. It is not all regret it is also joy. But we are pumpkins in the snow, slowly getting buried until we are forgotten until the snow melts. This is just like your memory of Halloween, a beloved holiday that slowly gets snowed over by the excitement of Christmas and when the snow melts you will be wishing for Halloween all over again.” Spoke the first pumpkin, its words cut me to the core and I muttered “sorry” but didn’t know why.

            I stood up from my crouching position and began to walk further down the path. “Don’t worry we will always be around. You don’t need one day to celebrate the happy memories. Those stay forever” Called the second pumpkin, who seemed more laid back and probably took a lot of naps.

            A tear welled up in the corner of my eye as I walked away. I smiled as I thought of the fun I had in Autumn, no matter how short it was, I enjoyed it. I then looked forward and took in the sights of the Christmas snow and lights.

            My walking pace slowed to a stroll as I thought about the Holidays passed and the ones approaching. A small person in green and white clothes was in the field to the far right. He looked like one of santa’s elves. I didn’t believe in santa but I gave the elf the benefit of being possibly real. “Hello!” I called and waved to the elf. The small person looked up and waved back. I continued walking so as to not risk getting lectured by another Holiday symbol. I didn’t need a Christmas elf that eating junk food and staying up all night playing video games was bad, or that I should be more charitable.

            As I walked I saw a small house in the distance. It was brightly lit up and surrounded by the peaceful scenery of night air, snow and a forest even further back behind the house.

            I continued moving forward and could see more detail in the house. It was a small wooden cottage with wood smoke coming from the chimney, snow on the roof, a string of Christmas lights lined the roof and windows and a porch light that seemed warm and inviting. My slow stroll turned into a brisk walk as I imaged the comforts of the cottage and how nice the warm fire would be after walking in the cold night air for so long. My cheeks started to get read and my toes were cold.

            I finally reached the house, I walked up the two wooden steps that led to a covered porch, I wiped my feet on a decorative bear statue that had bristles on his back. The stone bear with the hard bristles seemed to be there with the purpose of cleaning off shoes. As I walked to the door I was about to knock but felt so comfortable I reached for the knob and walked right it.

            The inside of the cottage was warm and inviting, I smelled mulled apple cider and a crackling fire. Soft music played on a record player near by. The crackling of the fire and the small crackling sound the record player made were just as pleasant as the music being played.

            In the living room was a big fluffy dark green couch with blankets draped over the back. Next to the couch was an arm chair which looked just as comfortable. I sat down in the armchair. As soon as my body rested into the chair I began hearing voices of happy people playing in the house. I saw a black cat sitting on the couch, curled up and sleeping. I smiled and reached over to pet the cat. Before I touched the cat my eyes began to tear up. Tears trickled down my face though I did not know why. I touched the cats soft shiny fur, it looked up at me with its big green eyes and then vanished.

            I heard a female’s voice all to me and without hesitation I responded “Yes, Honey?” I looked around and no one was there. I was confused by the house and even more confused by my own actions. The house seemed so real but everything disappeared when I reached for it.

            I stood up and saw silhouettes of children playing and a reading a book while lounging in a chair. I would blink and they silhouettes would disappear. The smell of fresh pie lingered in the air and I could still smell hints of the mulled cider from when I first arrived. I knew these things weren’t real and decided to leave.

            I left through the front door, walked down the two steps and continued walking down the stone path. I didn’t look back once not even after I walked so long that the house was out of view. I walked down the stone path and came to a split. I took the path to the right and followed it into town.

            I arrived in a modern town, it wasn’t fancy, it didn’t have a warm glow and no one went out of their way to give helpful advice, but at least it was real. I walked to a three floor house, made my way passed the front door and opened an easy to miss side door. The door took me up a winding set of stairs that led to another door, I unlocked the second door and arrived at a small apartment on the third floor. It was quiet, cozy and except for the landlord, no one else knew it existed. 

            I entered into the living room, to my right was a big window that looked out on train tracks and the tops of other peoples houses. Sometimes the train would come rocketing by and I could feel the gentle shake of the building as the force of the giant machine moved quickly down the metal tracks. Having the train close to my apartment was an interesting feeling that I have yet to describe in any way other than “pretty cool”. The muffled sound of the train and the gentle rocking was a great feeling. I could close my eyes and it felt like I was on the train, gently rocking side to side as I sped toward another land.

            I locked the door to my apartment and laid down on the floor. I made a kiss noise in the air and two cats came out from hiding and started to purr immediately. The cats rubbed their faces on my face and hands, welcoming me home. I pet the cats for a minute then slowly stood up. The lazy cats plopped over onto their sides like sacks of potatoes when I stood.

            I crossed the room to a small stand. On the stand was a two foot tall plastic Christmas tree. I clicked a button on the bottom of the trees plastic stand and the branches of the tree began to light up. I turned the lights off, took my shoes off and crawled into bed. I pulled the blankets over my head and nestled into bed. My cats jumped on me and sprawled out, draping their bodies across the bed and over my legs. The fake Christmas tree gave off a soft colorful light in the dark room, my cats purred themselves to sleep and in the distance I heard the muffled sound of the train.

Coffee Beans

Joseph walked into his kitchen, the room had a chill in the air. It was almost October and the summer had barely ended. The house took a turn from being hot and humid to cold and dry in a matter of hours. While the world slept the cold air of Fall slowly crept through the town like a rolling fog. Joseph shuffled through his kitchen in his green fuzzy slippers. Each step made a smooth shuffling sound as the plastic from the bottom of the slippers rubbed against the linoleum flooring.

 

            It was still early and Joseph hadn’t fully regained his senses. He shuffled like a zombie over to his freezer and removed a canister of coffee. He opened the canister and the fresh smell of ground coffee filled his nostrils. He started to feel more awake just by smelling the sweet caffeine in those dark ground up beans. Coffee was always a soothing comfort to Joseph and the warmth of each cup helped on cold autumn mornings.

 

            Joseph poured the coffee grounds into the pot and then added water, the splashing of the cold water into the coffee maker drifted into Joseph’s ears and traveled to his half awake mind. The splashing water was soothing and his day dreaming state took him to a place of pouring rain and warm coffee. Joseph snapped awake and remembered his mission, to brew a caffienated beverage. Joseph reached for the button and pressed it. There was a small click and a little green light went on. That small noise was strangely satisfying and a small shot of excitement went through him. This was not an unusual morning and he found it strange that he would get so excited for a process that he had accomplished hundreds of times.

 

            Joseph opened his cabinets where he kept his coffee mugs and pulled out a bright orange pumpkin shaped Jack-o-lantern mug with a silly grinning face on it. Joseph loved little things like playfully shaped coffee mugs, weird key chains, unusual hats and unique styles of glasses. His favorite coffee mugs were the ones that were related to Halloween, video games and cats.

 

            The coffee had finished brewing and sat in the pot warm and dark just waiting to be poured into a weird coffee mug. Joseph took his pumpkin mug and poured in the cream and sugar, then poured the coffee on top of it. The coffee, cream and sugar all mixed together as the dark liquid fell from the pot in an even flow.

 

            Joseph took a careful sip from the top of his pumpkin shaped mug. He had a habit of over filling his cup and the pumpkin mug was not practical to drink out of. Since the top of it curved inward, forcing the coffee drinker to use a different coffee drinking strategy just for that mug. Joseph didn’t mind little annoyances like a mug that was slightly harder to drink from. He felt that the little novelties that he collected were his few remaining expressions of self. He went to work, paid bills, did errands and chores like everyone else. For many it is hard to hold onto identity as an adult. Many work places treat the workers like a number that is only to be employed for as long as they are useful. Joseph couldn’t fix business politics or regulate laws to make the work place a better environment, he didn’t even complain about his job. Instead of complaining or acting out, he bought novelty coffee mugs. Occasionally Joseph felt sad about having to express himself through coffee mugs but many people did it and he hoped others like him found other ways to express themselves too.

 

            Joseph looked at his mug and realized he had drifted into a very deep inner monolog, so he shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. The chemical reaction in his brain lit up the nerves like lights on a twitch board. He wasn’t instantly awake but he felt like he was slowly coming out of his morning haze. If there was a world where no one had to wake up earlier than they wanted to, Joseph would still drink coffee. It would be a noon though and not seven in the morning.

 

            Joseph shuffled to his kitchen table, his green bathrobe draped around him like a very disheveled king and his fuzzy slippers slid and smacked against the kitchen flooring. Joseph sat down with a small groan and took another sip of his coffee. Three pairs of eyes stared at him from the kitchen chair next to him. It was an eerie sight but Joseph was used to it. Three cats with large eyes stared at Joseph expecting attention and food. One cat was all black with bright green eyes, another was a gray tabby who also had green eyes and the third was a calico with beautiful golden eyes.

 

            Joseph waved his hand at the cats dismissively. “Alright alright” he grumbled. The cats jumped off the chair, then quietly and quickly walked to their food dish. Each cat was very graceful as they walked to the food dish. Joseph couldn’t believe that these calm, well-behaved cats were the same cats that were running full speed through the house at two in the morning. Cats were an interesting species as they could be both clumsy, goofy, garbage eating monsters and then still retain a level of elegance and poise when they wanted to.

 

            Joseph’s wife Samantha came down the stairs from the bedroom, looking tired but beautiful as she always did. Joseph thought that Samantha must have been part cat as she had the same traits as their housecats. Samantha was elegant, affectionate, calm and knew how to appear dignified, but she also loved to eat sloppy foods, dance like a crazy person and just like a cat, if she didn’t like someone, they would know it. Joseph knew that Samantha had claws hidden somewhere within her slender pale fingers, he just hadn’t seen them yet.

 

            “Good morning” Samantha cooed at Joseph. “Good morning beautiful” Joseph cooed back. The sweetness of that moment could have provided enough sugar for both of their cups of coffee.

 

            Joseph poured a second cup of coffee. Samantha had a red mug with a gold colored design on it. It was pretty classy. Joseph always thought that the gold design looked like a French symbol or decoration, but he didn’t know enough about French markings to be sure.

 

            Samantha gave Joseph a kiss as she reached for her cup. As she leaned back from the kiss she brought the coffee cup up between them and took a long slow sip. “I love you” She whispered. “I love you too” Said Joseph. “I was talking to the coffee” Samantha said and stuck out her tongue. Samantha’s playfulness took Joseph by surprise and he couldn’t contain his wide goofy grin. Samantha was the only person that could make Joseph feel like he was back in highschool, a dorky sixteen year old with a crush on a beautiful classmate. Joseph was still a nerd but he was a happy nerd who married that beautiful crush of his.

 

            Samantha fed the cats who had been waiting patently by their dish. The three elegant garbage monsters attacked their dry cat food like it was prey in the savanna. After feeding the cats, Samantha moved onto her own breakfast. “Do you want anything sweetie?” Asked Samantha. “I can’t, I have to get to work” Joseph sighed. He spent a little too long savoring his morning and was a few minutes behind schedule. He ran upstairs and began to dress for work. Rain started to fall from the sky in small steady drops.  Joseph wished he didn’t have to work, he didn’t want to go out into the cold rain, away from his loving wife, warm house and silly cats. Joseph walked back downstairs and grabbed his umbrella, he checked his phone for the time then quickly went back into the kitchen to say good-bye to his wife.

 

            Joseph walked in and kissed Samantha, who was smiling as she was making breakfast. Joseph went for the door when he heard Samantha call from the kitchen “Hold it! When you checked your phone for the time did you not see the date as well?” Asked Samantha. Joseph looked at his phone again and the build in calendar said it was Saturday. “OH!” Joseph exclaimed in confusion, relief and surprise. Many different feelings and emotions were felt and expressed in only a brief second and through a short grunt of an exclamation.

 

            Joseph took off his shoes and coat and walked back into the kitchen. “I guess I’ll make some breakfast then” He said, still in disbelief that it was Saturday. Samantha placed a plate of French toast and fruit in front of Joseph “I took care of it” Samantha said with a smile. It was a smile that Joseph could stare at all day long.

 

            The went on with a casual pace, Joseph and Samantha listened to the rain pouring outside as they drank their warm coffees and ate breakfast together. The world wasn’t always a nice place to live but at that moment Joseph felt peace.

 

            Life doesn’t need to be any more complicated than you make it. Sometimes all you need is someone to love, a fresh cup of coffee and a little rain in the Fall.

Tail of two cats

In the darkness of night two life forms were created. These beasts were born from the shadows and were created through their own sheer will. They were born because they willed themselves to be so. They started very small. The Shadow beasts looked like a small adorable ball of dark fur. One of the creatures was dark black with only the slightest of white markings. The other was black with other dark colors mixed in.

Into the night the creatures walked, their slow pace and tiny frame giving the illusion of innocence. These creatures were in fact adorable, but the mischief and evil intent could be seen in clearly in their bright yellow eyes.

            The tiny beasts stalked the streets. They lived and thrived in the human world. These creatures weren’t friends nor were they enemies. They both preferred being dominate but respected the others strength enough to work together for a time. during one of their nightly walks in the town, humans came and caught the black and brown create and took her away. Being so small at the time, there was nothing either of these shadowy female creatures could do.

            A year passed and the blackest of the two continued to live on the streets. She traveled among the local street cats for company and occasionally changed her form to look like them. One day a human truck rolled up and two humans got out. They had thick leather gloves and a cage. They came to wrangle the stray cats in the area. The darkest of shadow beasts had warmed up to the cats that kept her company. So as the humans approached. The beast charged forward as the alley cats slipped out behind a house.

            A struggle ensued, but the beast still wasn’t big enough to fight. So she inevitably lost and was thrown in the cage.

            The shadow beast woke up and was in a larger cage, in a building. Dogs, cats and other animals surrounded her. She was in an animal shelter. She roared in protest, but sadly she had spent too much time with cats and was still very small, so her roar was more of an adorable “mew”. This prompted a kindly human to come by and bring food.

 It might have been confined but this wasn’t so bad having free food and a safe place to sleep.

            Then one day a family arrived to adopt a cat. The shadowy monster did her best to look like a cat. She was smart enough to know this ‘adoption’ thing was her way out. Then once she was ‘adopted’ she could escape and travel back to her street.

            From there she was ‘adopted’ and taken to the human home. She was given the name “Gali” and was treated very nicely. After some time had passed Gali had become used to the perks of being a house cat. She just had to keep her form stable and catlike. She would get massages, food, water and comfortable things to sleep on. Life was bliss.

As the years went on, she stayed in cat form for so long, she forgot how to change back to her neutral form. The only thing that changed was her eye color. Since color wasn’t a physical thing and she couldn’t reach the mirror, her eyes would change from bright yellow to bright green and anything in between. This changed happened depending on her mood. The humans never were suspicious but they were aware of it. Luckily humans are dumb and don’t believe that some cats and animals are actually shadow creatures brought into this world through sheer force of will.

            Gali had many adventures during her time with the humans, but missed her rival at times. Little did she know that soon her shadowy sister would be coming over to stay.