The World through the Magic lens

            I don’t know how everyone else sees the world, but I don’t think many people see it the way I do, the way I used to. I see things with vibrant colors, a person’s personality shines brightly from their eyes and some even have an aura around them that is as wondrous as fireworks or stars. Every tree has hidden secrets, the more unique in shape or size something is the more life I see in it. Once I saw large tree standing taller than all the other trees in the forest and my mind came alive, I saw the tree built into a giant tree house, then suddenly wooden planks and pathways spread out to the other trees and soon there was a whole town built up into the treetops. Or I might see it as a mystical tree, the guardian of the forest, a great elder tree with a face that is connected to everything in the forest and protects it from harm.

            I see something with my eyes and my mind puts a layer of imagination, possibility and emotions over that image. When a person genuinely smiles, when they experience a moment that catches them off guard and makes them feel that happiness, if I see that moment I am filled with my own happiness and so my emotions mix with the moment. I see a person smile and my mind shows me the light of the human soul. Even if its just for a brief moment and even if the light is dim, I see and experience something real for that second.

            I don’t think other people see the world like this, because if they did then smiles, rain, sunshine, trees and coffee and little things like that would be valued so much more than celebrity gossip, sex or money. I have nothing against sex and money but if offered the chance to either have infinite days of sex and money or infinite days of tranquil rain, tall trees, coffee, peace and stories, I think I would choose the latter.

            I see the colors of a person’s personality, I see the light of a soul, the possibilities of a large tree the bliss of the falling rain, except for when I don’t. I live off of imagination and creativity and it makes me whole. The day I do not see the rain as magical is the day I do not want to live anymore.

            My problem is pain, I have said it once and I will say it again. I am so familiar and intimate with the experience of pain that we should probably get married less we get struck down for living in sin. When my intestines aren’t being twisted like a pretzel then I have back pain, and if not back pain then joint pain. There is always pain. I can’t speak for the whole human race but I can say most Americans don’t live with the level of pain that I live with and certainly not at such a young age. When I talk about pain I am not complaining about a headache or a tummy ache, I am talking about the feeling of glass grinding in my bones and a knife twisting in my guts. The kind of pain that makes you not want to be alive or get out of bed. Luckily not every day is like that and I get to enjoy my coffee and rain and be content. The is also the double edge sword of pain medicine.

            Pain meds are these magical pills that wash over you and wipe away the pain, they make you feel good and the world seems right. That feeling does not last, but the numbness does. The pills numb the brain so you don’t feel the pain, but it also makes it hard to feel everything else. Taking my pain meds makes me loose my filter, my magical lens that I get to see the world in. Without the pills my pain slows me down and sometimes I lose whole days of my life to the pain, but without taking meds I can see the world in a more magical way. I get to see the world through my own imagination lens. Everything in the world seems more wondrous and the good start to outweigh the bad. Sure I am in pain but look how beautiful the sky looks after it rains! Its like the heavens opened up and you can see a glimpse of the afterlife.

            When I take the pills it keeps the pain at bay, the rabid dog that is pain gets put on a leash and told to behave. The rabid dog is still there but its calmed now. Then I start to see the world as I suspect others see it. A tree is a tree, rain is water that falls from the sky, it makes traffic more dangerous, coffee is only for waking up in the morning and when people smile its their happiness, not mine.

            I am always the same person but without the magical lens the world seems like a darker place. I am a better version of myself whenever I can manage to go a few days without my medication.

            Sometimes it rains while I am on my pain meds and I look outside and see only rain, I don’t feel the serenity or the calm that rain brings. I look outside and I remember how much joy rain used to bring me and I know there is a magical world of peace and tranquility right outside my window at that moment, but it is slightly out of reach and I just can’t see it yet.

            When it rains I see water fall from the sky, but one day the rain will take me back to that magical place. The place were water, wind and fog swirl through the air and the cool breeze refreshes the spirit, a place where anything could be waiting over the horizon. The best stories start on a dark and stormy night and the best adventures happen on a cool foggy afternoon.