Spending Christmas alone

Christmas music played softly in the background in a dimly lit room. A man named Andrew sat at his writing desk with a mug of eggnog. Most of his apartment lights were off, but he had a string of multicolored Christmas lights running along the top of the wall. This was one of his favorite times of the year and was always a time to be joyful. This year was different though, this was the first year in a few years that he had been single for Christmas. Andrew wasn’t the type that needed girlfriends, but there was one specific girl named Rachel that he met around Christmas two years ago. The excitement of a new relationship mixed with the holiday cheer that he was already feeling.

            On Christmas eve they would visit her family, then on Christmas night they would visit his. Christmas morning however was just for them. They would make love in the morning, have a simple breakfast and then Andrew would get as excited as a kid to open his presents. They would exchange gifts, Rachel always tried to guess what was in the box before she opened it, she never did get one right. After they opened presents Rachel insisted they listen to Christmas music to relax before more family stuff.

            Present day and Andrew continued to listen to the music in the background, it was their favorite holiday CD. Tears filled his eyes, as every little thing around the holidays would remind him of her. It was strange that having someone around for the holidays made it twice as fun, but when the person is gone, it ruins everything. Andrew still had his health, his job and his family and for that, he was grateful, but still, something was missing. He thought of her constantly and doing so made his chest hurt, like he was being stabbed in the heart. It had been ten long months since they broke up and it hurt for a while, but Andrew thought he had gotten over it. Before the holiday season he was even feeling confident enough to start dating again. But then the cold weather set in and the jingle bells started to play and Andrew was reduced to a miserable helpless mass.

            The eggnog he was drinking was full of rum, he drank it down in one gulp. He was already drunk and this would only add to it. He didn’t care though. He needed something to help him forget the pain, to drown his sorrows. Andrew eyed his phone, but kept stopping himself before he called anyone. He was sober enough to know that no one wanted to talk to him in his current state and trying to contact Rachel would be a really bad idea, especially if he was drunk. He just wished for a few months they could be together again, have the old holiday feeling back, then they could go their separate ways.

            Andrews mind tormented him, playing over what he did wrong and what she did wrong and all the bad stuff that split them up. He couldn’t drop it, even though it hurt so bad to even think about her. In a fit of confusion and rage, Andrew threw his empty mug, shattering it against the wall then began to weep softly. His emotional pain felt like physical pain too, that plus the alcohol made him act like a wounded animal. How badly he wished he could find comfort. Comfort from his loneliness and from his own tormented mind.

            It hurt now but the pain would heal, he just needed to get through one day at a time and things would eventually get better. Then his phone rang, he rushed for the phone and answered it. “Hello?” Andrew said, drunkenly. “Merry Christmas, Andrew” Rachel said from the other end, rather meekly. Andrew’s heart sank into his stomach. How badly he wanted to say her name and go see her, to find comfort in her and pretend everything was back to normal. Andrew cried silently. “Hello? Are you there?” Rachel asked sounding worried. Andrew loved her, she was the only woman he ever loved and moments ago he would have given his right leg to talk to her again. But now, it just didn’t seem right. He didn’t know why she called, but things would never go back to normal, they would never be the same. Unable to speak and not knowing what to say, he hung up the phone. She might call right back, or she might never call him again. Right now, it didn’t matter.

            As soon as the phone clicked shut, he instantly regretted his decision. For another thirty minutes he threw himself around the room, arguing with himself and wondering if he made the right decision. When he eventually sobered up the next day, he decided that he did in fact make the right decision. That chapter of his life was over and it was time to move on. The rest of the holiday season was still lonely for Andrew, but who knows, maybe in the future Christmas will take on a new feeling for him and it will be a happy time, once again.