The noise in my Head

            My mind is racing full of emotion. My mind is like a crowd of people all jammed into a room. Everyone has a thought to say and usually they all wait their turn. During times of stress they all panic and try to talk at once. All of my thoughts talking at once and suddenly it gets very loud in my head. I hear my thoughts yell and scream to be heard, each one yelling over the next. The best thought isn’t always heard but the loudest one is. Just like real people, the loudest person isn’t always the smartest, but being loud gets attention. So people follow the loudest thought and the loudest voice regardless of whether or not the ideas are good or sane.

            I sit quietly in my chair at the library, the world in my head is buzzing with noise but the world outside is quiet. I stare with a neutral expression and no one can tell that I am trying very hard not to shout at myself to quiet down.

            I leave the house with my thoughts buzzing around my head like a swarm of bees. I get into my car muttering to myself. I turn on the radio and a song blasts out from the speakers. Its that one song that plays fifty thousand times and everyone is sick of but it still gets played. I hate the song and I hate that people love it. The loud outside noise mixed with my loud thoughts and adds new thoughts to my head. “Shut up!” I yell finally as I slam my palm into the radio. The radio is silent and for a moment so are my thoughts.

            I begin to drive and little by little the thoughts begin to pop up, like meerkats coming out of their nests to see if the area is safe again from the loud shouting words. The thoughts return but driving has my focus. I have something to look at and pay attention to. Focus is like the big daddy of thoughts pushing its way through the crowd. The thing that I am focusing on is now the most important and deemed the strongest in the group. The other thoughts sit quietly in fear of focus. Large towering focus helps me keep track of what I am doing.

            I turn down the volume on the radio and then switch it on, I turn to a station I like and continue to drive. A song comes on the radio that I am not familiar with so I listen intently as I drive. The words speak to a part of me. The upbeat lyrics sing of nice blue skies and I try to cheer up, but the lyrics fall flat as they continue. The song is trying to be upbeat with a general message of “I understand times are tough but you need to keep on going” which is a fine message but the examples of pain or ‘tough times’ are pitiful. Anyone who stresses over such meaningless problems needs to stop complaining, they don’t know what real pain feels like. I have felt pain and others have felt pain, this radio singer has not felt pain. My focus wavers and my thoughts jump on focus like an angry mob. My mind grows cloudy once again as all of my thoughts shout at the top of their imaginary lungs. A sea of thoughts swallows focus as it struggles and then dies. I race down the highway as my mind races through my thoughts. I forgot why I was so angry but I am swept up in the anger.

            I hear a loud car horn and I realize I have been driving too fast and too recklessly. I swerve to avoid slamming into the back of a car but end up slamming the side of my car into a motorcycle. The man on the motorcycle gets tossed off his bike and thrown into traffic. My car spins out of control as I recoil on the steering wheel. Another car drives forward and slams into my now sideways car. My car flips over and I fall unconscious. The thoughts fade away, their voices lower and vanish. All is quiet all is dark.

            That next moment I open my eyes and I am in the library, sitting in my chair. The world outside is so quiet no one would ever know how loud it was inside my head.