Santa vs Nathan round 2

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa clause did lurk, he was trying to stay hidden from Nathan, the Jerk.

            Nathan and Santa clause had a long and bitter feud and every year Santa would have to sneak into Nathan’s house to leave coal for Nathan and a gift for Nathan’s wife, who wasn’t a jerk, to Santa anyway.

            It was almost midnight and Nathan was awake sharpening a hatchet. While everyone else in the house slept, Nathan sat silently in a high-back chair next to a plate of milk and cookies. As the clock struck midnight a rustle on the roof was heard, or a clatter, if you prefer. Up on the roof arose such a clatter while Nathan sat in his chair, mad as a hatter.

           

            Nathan controlled his breath as he heard footsteps in the living room, slowly walking toward the Christmas tree. “Surprise fat guy!” Shouted Nathan as he drove his hatchet down onto the intruder. The hatchet sunk into the chest of the intruder, who wasn’t Santa clause, but an actual intruder who broke in through the window. The burglar gurgled blood as he breathed out his last words “Tell my kids, I never loved them” He muttered as he died in Nathan’s arms. Nathan wiped away one single tear from the corner of his eye and gently lowered the crook onto the floor, then opened his half broken window and heaved the dead body from his first floor window into the flower bed below. “I’ll get to that later” Nathan muttered. Then he heard more footsteps but this time they were right behind him. Nathan turned to see a red gloved hand fly right for Nathan’s face. Nathan took a sucker punch to the nose and stumbled back. He was slightly stunned from the punch and when he looked up, Santa was gone and the presents were under the tree. Also the cookies were eaten, the milk was gone and Nathan’s stocking was full of dog poop. Nathan cursed under his breath and dashed for the window.

            He scaled the side of his own house till he reached the roof and saw Santa ready to take off on his sleigh. Nathan charged at the reindeer like a madman, which frightened the poor animals. The Reindeer couldn’t talk but they could fly, and all began to run and take off into flight without Santa giving the word to go. The sleigh was jerked forward and Santa was almost thrown off the roof. The Sleigh bells jingled and the reindeer raced into the night. Santa was glad that he didn’t have to visit that house for another year.

            Just as Santa’s sleigh was about to go into warp speed, or whatever magic his sled had, Nathan popped up from the under carriage and jumped onto the seat next to Santa. Santa’s arm went up out of a defensive reflex and it pulled on the reins making the reindeer veer off course. The sleigh began to pick up speed as it flew gradually more out of control. The bottom of the sleigh even took out the top of someone’s chimney. So you KNOW it was craaazy.

            Nathan swung his hatchet like a maniac trying to finally end the immortal fat man. Santa punched Nathan in the stomach and tried to dump the hatch man over the side of the sleigh. Nathan doubled over in pain but managed to grab Santa’s jacket. The two men rolled out of the sleigh. If it wasn’t for the low hanging jingle bells Santa would have fallen to his death. Snow pelted Santa’s face as he hung onto a green rope covered in golden bells. Nathan the madman clung to Santa’s black as coal boot with one hand and swung his hatchet with the other. Nathan managed to land a hit with the hatchet, chopping santa in the lower back. Santa cried out in pain and dropped from the sleigh. The two men fell. Nathan was surrounded by blizzard winds and winter snow. It had had struck midnight only a few minutes ago and Nathan and Santa were already about to die.

            Nathan woke up in the snow in the middle of nowhere with a note pinned to his chest. “You are lucky my reindeer saved you. They feel bad for you. This saint, isn’t as easy to forgive. Try again next year. Clause OUT!” The note was written in red ink with festive Christmas lettering. Nathan lost his hatchet and would have to spend the night walking home. For Nathan a shot at the fat man was worth almost dying from a fall, freezing to death and walking home in the snow all night.

            Merry Christmas everyone and remember, if you hear rustling on the roof or in your living room, it might be burglars.