Lower Thy Shield

I do not submit easily, I have bowed out from fights in my weaker days and backed down when necessary and those with weaker minds would not be able to tell the difference between my actions and my intentions. Bowing or backing down is an action similar to a theater performance to submit is to give another control over your thoughts and actions. One would be safe if surrounded by those who submitted but the ones who bow and do not submit are dangerous as they are just waiting for a chance to either escape or kill the one forcing them to bow.

            To submit is to surrender your will, this isn’t always a bad thing unless you submit to someone who cannot handle the power you’ve given them. Two lovers must submit to each other in order for the couple to build trust and a sturdy relationship, a knight must submit himself fully to his king so that he may be focused in battle and not questioning his actions or his kings actions. Because of this need to submit it is only after the fact that you learn whether the one you’ve submitted to is worthy of you or abusing the power you have given.

            I do not submit easily and my strength of will has carried me through life further than my own useless body. When the body betrays you and legs weaken it is the determination that fuels you. The human spirit is one of the strongest forces in the world and I have seen it in action first hand. I have forced myself to walk when I had no energy to do so and force of will held me together.

            Will power is not magic as much as it seems to be and the human body has a breaking point where it just stops moving regardless of how much inner strength someone has. That being said, I believe that if you continue to push yourself past your limits you will find new limits that you didn’t even know you had.

            I push myself through pain, depression and anxiety, my will grows stronger and when I do submit myself to someone it is by choice and not by force.

            The choice to submit means I have found someone worthy of me and I feel safe and secure enough to drop my shield which has been built over the years to be wide and sturdy. I do not take this action lightly and when I let someone into my heart and mind it is very difficult to get them out. Unfortunately I make mistakes like anyone else and removing someone from my heart is as painful emotionally as it would be physically. 

            Removing someone from my heart and mind is painful but in addition to pain there is anger. Anger at myself for making a foolish decision, anger at the one I trusted for betraying that trust and anger combined with sadness for the possible future that did will never happen.

            When this happens I lift my shield and move on through life, try to recover from the wounds and hope that one day I will find someone I can submit myself to without fear of another painful wound in my heart.