Thoughts over coffee

I’m soo tired, I smell coffee brewing in the kitchen and warm smells of spice. Soft sounding horn instruments play in the background. I stare off, lost in thought when my concentration is broken by a voice “excuse me sir, would you like a refill?” asks a waiter. I stare down at my cup of coffee and nod slightly. The waiter smiles and walks off to the kitchen.

            I’m sitting outside of a café watching the rain. The rain pelts the world around me as I sit dry and warm under an awning. The café is almost empty, it’s a rainy Monday afternoon. I sit with my coffee while everyone in the city is indoors, working or hiding from the rain.  Its been two years since I move to this town, I had to escape the world I used to know, I had to get away from the lying and backstabbing. Back home there were time when the backstabbing was literal.

            I flip through my wallet for singles to pay the waiter, certain actions run on autopilot and before I realize what I am doing, the waiter is already walking off with my money, then returns with change. I try to be more present and in the moment, getting lost in thought while handing a stranger some amount of money is not a good start for being ‘in the moment’. The waiter places my change down on the polished wooden table, a soft clinking noise is made as the metal hits the wood. I gently rub my thumb against the leather of my wallet that is still clutched in my hand before placing it back into my pocket.

            My mind has a habit of running off by itself. Racing thoughts and worries of the future distract me from the here and now. My therapist and my Mother-in-law have both told me to stay present. I wish staying present was just a light switch I could flick, but when your mind runs off, its hard to stop it.

            I often wonder if I could have changed the way things turned out, if I missed a chance here or there, if maybe I was more observant, maybe things could have turned out better. Thinking about the past too much is just as troublesome as worrying about the future, but the pain and sadness can get addicting. Sometimes its easier to dwell on the past than to deal with the problems in front of me. I have often thought about this. My grim joke to myself is “I’ll deal with it once its over and is a memory” I worry about problems already passed and often feel nostalgic for good times long gone.

            ‘be more present’ I tell myself, the thing about being more mindful and present is, if you have to try, you’ve already failed. Thinking and worrying about being or not being mindful is just as bad as worrying about anything else and defeats the purpose of being mindful. This doesn’t stop me from worrying about not being mindful enough.

            The rain slows down and the smooth jazz from the café dies with it. I wait several moments listening to the dying rain as a new song starts up from inside the café. I am presently being present. I should write a letter to my mother-in-law and tell her I managed it, maybe I’ll write a letter to my therapist too.