It’s one degrees Fahrenheit, not Celsius, I never learned
Celsius. I went to public school in America and in my adult life never bothered
to learn. I even had to ‘Google’ how to spell Fahrenheit. I never need to spell
Fahrenheit. It sounds germen but I think the Germans use Celsius, that was
another thing I never bothered to learn, I had to Google it, I didn’t google
it.
Google, a
verb, to search something on the search engine Google. Google helps people find
answers, there is no reason for ignorance in the era of search engines. People
don’t remember, I don’t remember, I don’t need to, I can Google it.
I use
Google weather on my phone and it tells me its 1 Degrees Fahrenheit. The normal
dull ache in my bones worsens to a searing pain as I struggle to get up out of
bed. Not struggle like “I need my coffee in the morning or I’m a monster
hahaha” I mean struggle like physically difficult to stand. I pour my neatly
sorted pile of pills into the cup of my hand, I slam my hand against my mouth
as the pills shoot into the back of my throat. I need them to be in my blood
stream now but they won’t. I type next to a frozen window, cold medicine
pumping into my bloodstream, traveling through my body like tree roots down
into the earth. I have a pill for everything, It costs thousands of dollars to
keep me alive and the tax payers pay it. Most wouldn’t, I think most would be
happy to let sick people die as long as they did so outside their field of
view.
I sway back and forth in my chair, the gentle movement of
the muscles seems add some relief to my tortured spine. Inside my body it is 100 degrees Fahrenheit
and outside it is only 1.
People with
harder jobs than mine are going to work at earlier times than I do. I tell
myself that they don’t have the pain I have, I hope its true because it makes
me feel less shitty about succumbing to pain.
There is a
phrase in my head that I tell myself when it comes to work. “People can tell
you they are dependable, but it takes actions to prove it”. This phrase is a
double edged sword, it reminds me to prove my value but also is daunting when I
am unable. I don’t remember where this phrase came from, it feels like
something my dad said when I first started working, but it could just as easily
been something my brother said or something I made up entirely based on my own
experiences. This sentence has followed me longer than I can remember and
pushed me even when I didn’t know it was there.
One of my
first jobs I pushed myself too hard, I gave the company all of my energy to
prove I could be part of a team and in the end they fired me as soon as I was
too sick to work. I worked myself to sickness and they threw me away. Years
later I am starting a job and have hope again for the first time and yet I
can’t bring myself to go. Pain and anxiety surge through me, fighting against
my medicine, the winter winds blow through and creatures die from exposure.
I never
learned how to behave as an adult, I just watched my dad and made the rest of
as I went. He never had illnesses like I do, but I try to be dependable anyway,
with my actions. You can’t google how to be a good human or how to see the
balance between working hard and over working. They don’t teach these things in
school, they teach advanced math that no one remembers and history that I only
remember because some of it was interesting.
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