Empty House

            On a snowy night I sit at home. Alone again. The feeling of sadness and exhaustion washes over me as I look around at my ruined house. There was no grand fight, natural disaster or even a break in, this was destruction from a wounded man.

            Sadness and frustration filled my head and that led to anger. Anger led to rage and that led to destruction. I sit on the floor as sadness takes hold again. I feel like a dog chasing his tail, running in circles and never getting anywhere. I feel like I spend my days beating my head against the wall and when the pain is too much I explode and then start all over again. I do not know how to break this cycle, how to feel better. I know happiness is possible but it seems so far away.

            I dream of a happier day as I continue to run in circles. No one is forcing my life in any direction, I am doing this to myself. I continue the cycle of pain and then get angry when I get hurt. I realized I had a problem when I started spending most of my money replacing my cheap furniture on a regular basis.

            I don’t see any outside help, no one is trying to get into my life, and no one seems interested in helping me. They see me like they would see an old empty house. They take a look, they might even peek their head in the window, but no one goes inside. My life isn’t a shelter for the weak or a place to warm up. But if someone took the time to turn on some lights and maybe start a fire in the fireplace my empty house of a life might seem a little cozier.

            No one wants to put in the investment and so I am stuck doing it all myself. The only time I might get someone poking their head in the door is the few times I get a nice fire going for myself. They see the warmth and want to be apart of it, but if the fire goes out they leave as fast as they came.

            So sit on the kitchen floor of my actual house, staring into the living room at all of the broken furniture. Chairs I need to replace, a new couch I need to pay for. It will give me something to do, something to distract my mind for a little while.

            Until I find someone willing to help me rebuild my life or gain the energy to do it myself, I will continue to feel like an empty old house with broken furniture in the living room.